Small Hiatus

Hate to have to take a small hiatus. But until I get my eating back on track, I'm laying off the running. I'm seeing the nutritionist tomorrow so that should help. I am getting my appetite back though!

It's the small things...

So I saw my therapist today. It was good, brought a lot of relief. I no longer feel as heavy a weight on my chest. Still there, but not as burdensome. She said something that was really helpful. Just take things one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Just like running. She said it would be hard and long, but I will eventually reach my goal. Again, just like running. Jogging is going to be helpful getting me over the hump. Gotta keep at it, one step at a time. I'm working up to a 5K and eventually a half. Not something I can do overnight. It takes time. Just like it will take time to get over my relationship.

When I got home, I took a warm shower and just let the water fall on my skin. The shower has always been my safe place. I got really sad for a moment and I let myself cry it out. One of those deep cries with the short breaths. I cried it out and it felt good. And then while my eyes were closed, I felt a nose on my eyelids. My cats came up and were just rubbing my face. And I noticed one of my cats has one black whisker and the rest are white. Just those small things. Made me smile, stand up and finish. My animals are awesome at cheering me up :)

Woo-hoo!

I ate more than half of something! That's huge. I've been hungry but everything makes me nauseous or I just don't crave anything. This is making it hard when it comes to running. I need fuel but I can't stomach much. I've managed to lose 10 pounds in a week, and not in a good way. Eek!

I have a run set up for later today. I might try a different route to change things up. My sister came over this week and brought me all the makeup I bought! I'm so excited to start using it. Gel eyeliner might be the answer to my problems! I'll obviously update later. Going to get some books from the library. I should be reading my textbooks but some fun reading is needed.

UPDATE: This whole not being able to eat is not helping my running. Had a slight headache but I was able to push through to get to my chocolate milk. There were a lot more "hills" on this run. They hurt. But I ran all the runs. Supposedly I ran 2.01 miles at a 13:10 pace. Not sure how that works looking at my previous runs...I need to invest in a Garmin or another GPS I can wear.  Anyone getting rid of theirs? Other than the headache, I felt good. I was struggling a bit at the end of the last 3 minute run, but I did it! I'm very proud of myself. I've stuck with this so far, even though it sucks sometimes. It helps with my moods though and helps tire me out naturally. Good sleep tonight!

Here we go

Had a nice little afternoon...went out and got gelato with a new friend. Hopefully this doesn't mess up my run too much. I'm about to go out for it. It's going to be rough. But gotta push through.

UPDATE: My playlist was totally in sync with me today. I explained last week what I was doing this week, but I'll recap:
5 min warm-up, 2x (90 sec run, 90 sec walk, 3 min run, 3 min walk) 5 min cool-down (28 minutes)

I thought I did pretty bad. I was struggling during the last 3 minute run. Hate to admit this, but Bieber's "Never say Never" came on and it was a big help getting me over the hump. I finished every run, even though my ankles and calves wanted to quit. They're okay now though. I didn't run as far but I ran a little faster. 2.02 miles at 13:51 min/mile pace. Not bad, I'd say.

It was definitely a really good run. I could have pushed myself a little more, but I didn't want to push too much since I haven't been eating as well as I should. But I will be changing that today. I will be making a yummy tilapia with lemon and a side of brown rice or whole wheat pasta from Trader Joe's. When I saw my time and distance, I definitely smiled and that's what counts. Reminded me of my half-marathon at Birmingham. I'm looking forward to my run on Thursday now. Maybe I won't hold back as much. And burping up limoncello gelato is better than other foods. Gross...yup, but that's me!

Run postponed

I was planning on starting week 3 today, but that's not going to happen. It's 47 degrees outside and raining. And I didn't have a good lunch. I"m hungry and all, but nothing sounds good to me. It's kind of miserable, really. But today was a better day than yesterday and hopefully that'll be the way things go from now on. I added on the second medication with what I'm already using hoping it helps mellow me out. Considering I had an anxiety attack...it's not doing its job yet. But gotta give it time. Time, that's what I need...to grow and rediscover myself. And one day I will grow into a beautiful butterfly :)

My friends are awesome.

That's all I wanted to post today. Things got rough, but my friends are awesome. Things only look up for us.

BEERFEST!

YES! Today is Beerfest in Durham. I am going to the afternoon session, 12-4pm. I am going with my friends from Chapel Hill (but, one went to Duke and is on my side and the other is a Miami fan, so it's ok). So why on Earth am I up this early then? Simple, because today is Week 2 Day 3. Gotta get my run in and let's be honest, it's not going to happen post-beerfest.  I am serious about getting in shape and running the 5K. I've never run a 5K. I can walk a 5K but my goal is to run, the whole 3.1 miles. And that mean making some sacrifices, like waking up early on a weekend and drinking water at wine night. But it'll be worth it.

I had an orange as a pre-run snack. Can't run on empty. I don't think my legs are feeling it today, but let's hope I'm wrong. It's a nice cool 61 degrees with the sun starting to come out. I'll wear my sun glasses, just in case. Oh! And I am typing this with my sweat gloves on so I don't forget them! My hands have been swelling lately, so hopefully this works. This is the last of my easy runs I think. It gets tough starting next week.

Will update on how it went when I get back and after I've had my yummy, ice cold glass of chocolate milk!

UPDATE: (Okay, I just went on MapMyRun to map how far I went. My C25K GPS was off a little bit I think. Mapping exactly when I started the walk, it was 2.19 miles, and 2.31 door-to-door. Now I don't feel so bad, but still need to improve what I wrote below!)

Not a good run, but is there such a thing as not a good run? I mean, I ran. :)  I think it's my worst run of the week. 2.09 miles/ 14:47 per mile. I can list out reasons why this run wasn't a good one, and running friends, if you have anything else to add, let me know!
1. Let's start with how I ate yesterday. All I had for dinner was tilapia. I did not eat any carbs to go with it and I was probably still hungry.
2. I did not hydrate enough last night or this morning.Trust me on that one, I know I wasn't hydrated haha.
3. My meal this morning. I need to add something else to my meals before a morning run. I think I used to eat a scrambled egg with a piece of toast about an hour before my run. That might have given my a little more pep this morning.
4. I dressed for 61 degrees, walking, not running. I've made this mistake before. I ran with my long sleeve shirt on...Mistake. I should have gone with one a regular running shirt. I was getting hot and I didn't run with water.

Live and Learn, right? I will say the chocolate milk tasted delicious. Now that I have cooled down a but, I'm going to take a nice, relaxing shower and have a good breakfast.

This is the elevation on  my run today...not totally flat, a little bit of hills, my calves feel the incline:

Being alone sucks

Today is Day 2 of Week 2. I will be out running later, probably around 5, so I can digest my lunch (salad with grilled chicken) and hydrate, since the humidity has been out of control. I've been in a rut the past few days, understandably, I'd say, so my energy is zapped. I haven't eaten a pint of ice cream or even had a sip of alcohol since Sunday. Kind of shocking really, though maybe I should. Damn this trying to lose weight thing.

Getting home from school, I know I should be doing work, but I just don't care right now, which is all types of bad since my poster needs to be done next Friday. It will get done. I always get things done. But then here I am, on the couch, on my computer, and it lets my mind wander and every time it slowly sinks in a little at a time that I'm alone. That he's not coming back home. And boy, does it suck. My animals try to cheer me up, they really do. I have a cat on me right now. But it's not the same. Maybe it's the way it ended, with me cutting it off knowing I was more into this relationship than he was (confirmed) and knowing he's ready to move on while I'm here still struggling to understand what happened the past month. I don't know how to handle it. Break-ups are never easy, I'm told, and so this being my first one, I'm going off what friends and movies tell me. A part of me wants to break down and call him and ask him to try and make this work again, but I know that would be pointless. And I won't. I'm a strong person. And I have amazing friends and family to keep me strong whenever I do waiver.

I guess I'll try to do work and then get up and go for my run! I'll update y'all later.

UPDATE: First, before I describe my run, I happen to get a call from a friend at a perfect time. I was having a mini-crying fit and bam!, phone rings, and it's her. She knew I was teary so she talked me out of it and it worked. I also bought myself "Getting Past Your Breakup", which was highly recommended. Hey, it's my first break-up, I can splurge on these things ;) I can't wait to start reading it.

As for the run, it was another rough one. I should have waited for the sun to be lower because I was running into it and I felt it. Stats: 2.12 miles at 14:31/mile. The runs were getting to me...my calves definitely feel the pain of running every other day.  Apparently I can't count when I run. When I was on what I thought was my second-to-last run leg, I was struggling. I just kept telling myself to finish then I only had one more. After my two minute walk break, I heard the wonderful words: "Cool Down." It was glorious. I'm getting better, slowly, but who cares. I'm doing this for me. I took a peak at Week 3...eek! It's only 28 minutes but includes: the 5 min warm-up and cool-down but the jog/walk is 2 repetitions of: 1.5 min jogging, 1.5 min, 3 minutes jogging, 3 minutes walking. Can't say I'm looking forward to it, but it's just another obstacle to tackle head on. It's time to star incorporating other things too, maybe some bike on my off-run days and I need to get myself into the gym to do weights. I need to lose weight for my health and I'm going to do it...with your help of course :) and a good diet and exercise.

Week 2

Oof...day 1 of week 2 was a rough one. I didn't have time to post about it yesterday, had some stuff I needed to take care of. It was raining most of the day so I didn't know if I 'd be able to fit in my run. But I walked out at one point, saw a double rainbow (!) and decided to go for my run. It was hot and humid, like 78 degrees and 96% humidity. This week calls for a 5-min warm-up and cool-down and 6 sets of 90 seconds jogging and 2 minutes walking.

Right as my warm-up walk was about to end, I got a phone call and voice mail and an email that didn't let me hear when it was time to jog. So I missed the first minute of the first jog. Not the best start, but it's okay. I was able to finish the 31 minutes and jogged the rest of the jogs. I started getting cramps during my last jog but I pushed through. Note to self, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. I definitely did not drink nearly enough water. I sweat up quite a storm. I ran a total of 2.10 miles at a 14:42 pace. A little slower than before, but given the conditions and slight mess up at the beginning, I don't think I did too shabby.

Now I just need to work on my diet. I am going to see a nutritionist in 2 weeks so hopefully that will help me. Now that they're done revamping my apartment, I can cut up my fruit and freeze smoothie packets and cook some nice dinners.

It's hard work but I'm on my way.

The hardest part of breaking up...

...is getting back your stuff. Oh 2ge+her, how we miss all of you. But it's sort of a good segue into this post. I've been debating about writing this post. I've had a few friends ask me if I was going to. And well, this blog is mine, I can do whatever I want, and y'all are my closest friends. So most of you know anyway. By the way, it will jump around a lot. So much has happened and I have so many emotions. If anyone has a bottle of wine they want to share, feel free to come over :)

After a couple of months of tumultuous times and what amounted to a 2-3 week break from the relationship, I broke up with my boyfriend. My friends have been very supportive of what I've been going through and I've listened to their advice, for the most part. Last Friday, I met with a psychiatrist. It was quite an experience meeting with him. On the plus side, he looks like Blake Shelton, so it was nice to look at him. We talked about all my stress right now, any new diagnoses (I'm currently "diagnosed" with depression and anxiety) he thought of while listening to how I've been acting the past few months. The possibility of bipolar disorder came up. It's on the back burner, but it's there. For some reason, all of these metaphors we used had to do with food. I feel so stressed that I feel like I took seconds before even finishing my first plate.

But anyway, getting beyond the food, we spent a good hour + going over everything. We came up with  new game plan on how to deal. I should have gone to someone sooner. I encourage all my friend to go see someone just because it is a very freeing and cathartic experience. I finally listened to myself...shocker. So I had what he and I talked about fresh on my mind and then I went to visit my sister and a high school friend in Wilmington. My friend and I stayed up till almost 3 catching up and talking about everything, including my relationship. I had never told her anything, she doesn't know the guy...it was all new to her. And her reactions were blunt and it hurt to hear, but it's what all my friends had been saying one way or another.

So Saturday night rolls around, and I've been thinking, and I just know it's the right think to do. So I write "the email--My Decision". No, it wasn't impersonal. We had been on radio silence with limited email contact for necessities. And I just let him know that I wasn't happy, I was hurting. I agreed to the break thinking it was the only way to keep him. And I think I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who will love me back as much as I love them. For the record, he's not a bad guy. We were both very much happy and in love at one point in our relationship, but things have been changing. And we're both important people in each others lives. I am not opposed to something in the future, but a lot has to happen. No one knows what the future holds, so we'll see. He has some serious issues he needs to work through. So do I. I realized, and I think he had known, that we couldn't work on ourselves while with each other. Just like when I was writing that email through tears, I'm writing this post through tears too. And my dog isn't here to lick the tears off my face :(

What let me know I made the right decision is the email I got back.  He said he understood and that it wasn't fair for me to hurt. And that right there is what did it for me. He didn't fight for us in that email. I was hoping he would. But he had done his fighting and was done. Things have been okay for me the past couple of days. My friends are all amazing, listening to me as I just let it all out. And my sister and parents have been my rocks through this. It's "only a relationship", but this is the first one I've ever really been in, so it's my first failed relationship, my first break-up...a lot of firsts happened in this relationship. But again, I know this is for the best. There are a lot of emotions still bottled up and maybe in time, I'll be able to write about them. But until then, this has helped.

I am still listening to the sappy music, haven't quite moved on to Destiny's Child "Survivor" yet, but it's on my work out mix now, so we're getting closer. This is time for me to work on myself, to excel in my school life, my professional life and to have time to catch up with all my amazing friends. Yes, this is the end of a very important chapter of my life...or to go back to the metaphor of food, I'm done with this serving for now, wrapped it in aluminum foil and stuck it in the freezer. Only time will tell if this serving is still good in the future. Lame? Perhaps. But I think it fits.


Oh snap, Survivor just came on. :-D